It's hard to believe, but in three short days, I leave for Haiti again. While saying goodbye to everyone here is hard, I am incredibly excited to get back to the place I love and have missed so much. In the midst of the chaos of packing and last-minute meetings with friends and family, I find myself thinking and praying about the year ahead. For whatever reason, God seems to be putting trust at the forefront of my mind right now. Trust that goes beyond comfort zones and into the unknown. It keeps popping up everywhere: in the songs I've been listening to, the things I'm reading, conversations, devotion with the worship team on Wednesday night, and when people have prayed for me as I prepare to go back to Haiti.
This morning I played a song called "Oceans" with my church worship team. This song has been a favorite of mine since I first heard it a year ago, not only because of the beautiful cello part (I'm biased, what can I say?), but also because it resonates so deeply with me, especially in this season of my life. There's a line from the bridge that says "Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders."
Trust without borders. It sounds so good, so simple. But while it may be simple, it certainly isn't easy.
In a recent conversation with a friend, I was asked how I am able to trust God so relentlessly. My answer was and is that it's been gradual, and something I still have to work on continually. It's a choice that I make, although my heart is often slow to follow. I remember how God has worked in the past, and in my life. I believe what He says: that He is sovereign, true, faithful and good. He always has been, and always will be. It is through His grace alone that I have reached the point where I am willing to say "yes" to whatever He wants me to do. That I trust Him even when I cannot see a purpose, because I know that He uses all things for His glory.
Not long after that conversation, I found myself eating my own words, as I questioned several things that have been weighing on my heart. Things that are hard, that I don't understand and which seemingly have no purpose. And I found that the decision to simply trust and give my cares to God was hard--again.
Twelve years ago today, I officially gave my life to Jesus and was baptized. And while there have been times when I have doubted and struggled, there has never been a moment when He has left me. He has called me to things I never would have dreamt of, but He has carried me through every single time. And yet I doubt. My trust has borders.
I remember that at this same time last year, I prayed that God would do amazing things. I prayed specifically that He would do whatever He saw fit to cause growth in me, at Sonlight, and in Port-de-Paix. I prayed for opportunities to show love and grace and forgiveness. And this past year, while it was a great one, was incredibly difficult. There were many times when things happened that I couldn't see a reason or a way through. But God was faithful through it all, and my trust in Him has deepened.
I find myself in the same place I was last year, and admittedly a bit more reluctant to pray so boldly. Knowing all that I have waiting for me when I return to Haiti, it's tempting to pray for an easier year. But I know that my faith grows so much stronger in the hardest, darkest times in my life. It's when I reach the end of myself that I remember to reach for the One whose power is made perfect in my weakness. I remember that despite my doubt and questioning, there has never been a day when He hasn't been faithful.
So day by day, moment by moment, I'll keep trusting. I'm praying that God will continue to call me out of my comfort zone, beyond my own abilities, and continue to work in my life for His glory. I'm praying for another amazing year at Sonlight, that there will be incredible growth in our community, even if it comes through trials and hardship.
I'm praying that He will give me a trust that's bigger than the fear of failure or disappointment. A trust that goes beyond my human understanding. A trust without borders.
